what if it was me

*Truth be told, this post has been written since saturday…I just couldn’t think of a good ending.  But sometimes, things don’t come in nice neat packages with happy endings.  So…here it is…endingless.*

I don’t think I’ve cried more in my life, than the last few weeks.  I don’t have a clue what is up.  No hormones, no life crisis, nothing that screams “that’s why you keep getting teary!”  I would like to think God is creating compassion in me- that I am becoming a more sensitive and caring woman… Lord knows I need it.

I’ve been following an adoptive mother on facebook for the past week who is desperately praying for her newborn to be healed- but complication after complication continues to arise.  My dear friends just had to admit their two week old daughter to the hospital for possible surgery- the unknown is so vast.  I just finished reading an update about a girl from my hometown who went back for her mri/cancer check this week, only to find out that the tumor may have returned.  Not to mention the honestly depressing but strong 26 year old who is undergoing chemo right now, while her one year old daughter and husband stand by…I don’t even know this girl but I cry weekly when I read her blog.  And still very fresh in my memory is a hospital visit that Bart and I took a few months ago- to visit a newborn set of twins; one of whom ended up never making it out of the NICU.

Bart and I watched The Blind Side last week and I cried too many times to count.  Even watching Ellen this week I teared up seeing her help families in need.  Tonight when Bart and I were so exhausted we had no energy to do anything else- we flipped on some reruns of Undercover Boss and I’m pretty sure I cried at the end of every single episode.  People go through some pretty tough stuff in this life.  The crazy thing is how many of them do it without Jesus; without a hope that is bigger than anything this world has to offer.

Around Christmas time last year, a family here at IHOP went through a terrible tragedy.  The father; an amazing husband, father, worship leader, champion for orphans…the list could go on endlessly… died in a car crash.  He was the father of ten children- many of whom had been adopted.  His dreams and vision for this life were so meaningful and straightforward- God was using him to save orphans in so many different walks of life.  I can’t even do this justice, but my point in all of this was that for months afterwards I found myself thinking about his wife.

What would it be like to suddenly have your best friend ripped from your side?  I would weep uncontrollably at her blog posts even though I never knew her personally.  And every time, I would ask…what if that were me?

I know I sound selfish- because I know that I am selfish…but it’s also a gift that I ask God for- to put myself in their shoes for a second, to feel what they may feel…the chance to empathize. That’s what Jesus did- He came to earth as a baby and lived 33 years on the same dirt that you and I tread so heavily upon.  In my fake “Kristology” I think perhaps He may have been up there in heaven begging for the chance to come down to us; for the chance to empathize with us- and ultimately, save our lives.  (The only thing fake about that was that His Father sent him…I’m pretty sure He didn’t have to beg.)

And even though honestly I know, that sometimes it’s hard to believe that Jesus really does know how I’m feeling…it’s the truth.  And He works all things together for good- even when we never get to see the end “good”.  He sees the bigger picture and He sees redemption.  He is the giver of life and hope.  And I am sure that He is constantly thinking “what if it were me” as He loves each one of us in His own special way.


4 responses to “what if it was me

  1. wow. what a wonderfully articulated post. glad that you clicked ‘submit’ even though there wasn’t a temporary happy ending. ultimately we know a much much more joyful ending, and the hardest is in the waiting- the not knowing and not being able to see the bigger picture. many times i look at God so confused as to why something happened much like the tradgedies you listed, but thank goodness i am not Him as i can’t even see a miniscule of the picture He can… i know what you mean about the emotions and i’ve felt like that too. dirk’s found me leaning on the kitchen counter with my head in my hands as i listened to a late night recording of a focus on the family where a nurse talked about the many abortions she assisted in and told some of the gruesome details. it seems morbid to dwell on this stuff sometimes, but i think you’re right, it’s what gives us empathy for things that we no not of. my husband calls it a “gospel imagination”- we can imagine a life without Him and that makes us cling to Him all the more… sorry for the long response. must’ve caught me at an “emotional time”, too. 😉

  2. Love this. You ARE full of compassion and I admire that about you! And like Ashley said above- very wonderfully articulated!

  3. Krista, I can completely relate to this. I think it is part of the parenting process- growing that “mother’s heart”… realizing that all these hurting people in the world were once a chubby gurgling baby that someone cooed over like we do our own little ones. It is a new kind of vulnerability that brings me to my knees emotionally with more frequency than I care to admit. I have never needed the hope of Christ more than these past few years as a mother. I am happy to share this journey with you friend 🙂

  4. Ok, the fact that I am even reading a blog, anyone’s blog, is a complete miracle… my husband must be away or something. I never read blogs, so Krista you are very special to get me to click and read. Like Coral, I completely relate… especially having a young baby at home. There is something about that time that makes you feel vulnerable and easily able to empathize with others who are “feeling”. This week Andy Irons (famous surfer) died and his wife of almost 3 years is expected to deliver their first child in December. I am absolutely heart broken for her and his family. I can’t stop thinking about it and asking, “what if that were me?” To have your best friend, your partner, become non-existent on this planet would be unbearable. But like you said, Jesus would be the only way you could survive something like this and be able to continue on.
    Your post is felt by many, and your ending, even if you think it’s not an ending, is the hope and the reality. It was him and because of that, He Knows!

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