Hope: a look back

Below is a series of posts I began in February, amidst the waiting for our baby girl.  This period of time is one of the hardest to process for me- especially this time around.  **We just arrived home, without her, today and I remembered this post I’d been working on for the past few months…I almost deleted it but I think I want to remember.

** Post #1  Feb 15, 2013

Even though I know I can’t publish this post right now, I feel the need to share my feelings.  It’s not that what I’m feeling is bad or wrong, but I do want to somewhat hide my feelings from the sweet birth mom before all of this is final.  And not because of anything she’s done, but just because in no way do I want to jeopardize our match or make her feel any pressure from us.  At this point, she is in complete control, as she should be- she’s her mom.

Some mornings I wake up without even remembering our baby girl will arrive in less than two months.  Other times I sit with a pit in my stomach- anxiousness overcomes me as I think about failed adoptions and pray unceasingly that ours won’t be one.  Many times I feel peace that God is in control but other times I throw my fists in the air- a proverbial tantrum- that I cannot simply buy girl clothes and pink blankets right now…because of a subtle fear that she won’t come home with us and I will have wasted money and/or have to return everything.

We rarely utter her given name…instead using non-descript terms like baby or baby girl.  We pray for her protection and for her birth mom to feel peace and love often.  We interject the word sister when talking with our boys randomly…and when we are around a little baby we tell them they are getting one of these soon.  I draw pictures for her room…dream up delicate vintageness in my head without doing anything in the natural.

It’s hard.  I hesitate though, when I say those words because I can’t help but think about her birth mom…the one who is so sacrificially carrying a precious life into this world, only to hand her over to us.  How in the world does one carry enough strength to do this?  The gift of life- it’s so beyond describing, so other than.

Today, in faith, I ordered a pink blanket.  Today I started the list of what to bring to Florida when the baby is born.  Today is a day of hope and hope is a beautiful thing.

**Post 2  February 22, 2013

My sister inadvertently spurred this inner journal of mine to find it’s way to the page…stating that she didn’t think many people understand the complexities of domestic adoption.  It’s funny bc just this week I was out to coffee with some new friends who all seemed curious about adoption- one not even realizing it was possible to adopt a newborn.  And it hit me; adoption isn’t the norm.  And unless you know someone who has adopted or been adopted…circles don’t often overlap and people go their whole lives without knowing the intricacies of this amazing process.

Of course, not everyone needs to know about adoption and as I’ve said before- I’m no spokesperson.  But inevitably people have questions and thankfully they are usually bold enough to ask thus realizing that I’m an open book.  I love when eyes widen and understanding shows up in their face- it’s fun.  And I have to remind myself that I was there in the not-so-distant past.

So, the blanket came.  The pink one I ordered last week.  I excitedly ripped open the package and stared at the bright pink stripes for a few minutes before setting it down.  Then this morning I carefully unwrapped the ribbon and cut the tags- wondering if perhaps I should sit with it on my lap for a few moments.  While just a blanket, it represents so much more.  Longing, desire, excitement, joy…potential pain and hurt and despair…it’s amazing the gamut of raw emotions this adoption deal brings.

The thing that gets me sometimes is that in domestic adoption, more often than not, the birth mom chooses who she will give her baby to.  Most people don’t realize that.  You have to be chosen.  I’m thankful that this part has never bothered me but it might have something to do with how quickly and simply our matches have happened.  On the other hand I cannot imagine the pressure of choosing a family to raise my child…what a monumental decision.  My biggest prayer for each birth mom during these times has been peace.  Amidst all the other emotions she will feel, we pray that peace will reign in her heart.

**Post 3   March 21, 2013

Well, a lot has happened in the last month…but I’ll back up to just two weeks ago. I had been feeling such a cloud of darkness over us- just filled with doubt and anxiety, fears of a failed adoption…on and on.  It was so strong that I could barely think about our baby girl without wanting to close my eyes and run under a blanket.  Yuck.  So, while on a date with Bart, I decided to bring it up.  We’d been praying at the beach anyway so I thought it was a perfect time to share what I had been feeling.  We spent awhile in prayer over our thoughts and fears and by the time we drove away, I felt lighter.  Miracles.  I suddenly felt excited for our baby girl instead of straight nervousness.

Five days later we boarded a plane to Florida with our boys and the next day we met the baby’s birth mom for the first time.  She had wanted to meet us before she went into labor, so we had arranged this time for that purpose.  It was a lot of work to fly ourselves down there for a couple days but it was so worth it.  We met up at our lawyer’s office, who had a catered lunch for us all; and despite some awkward moments; overall it was awesome.  After it was over, I felt yet another burden lifted.  I physically felt lighter, again.

So now this week…I’ve started preparing for reals.  I washed the newborn baby clothing and dug out the infant car seat…found the million burp clothes and ordered stuff online.  It feels so good.  Only 5 weeks to go- or even less if she has a c-section.  I’m psyched.  I’m thrilled.  I’m staring at little babies longingly.  My heart is open.

**Post 3  March 29, 2013

As I plan what the boys are wearing for Easter, I can’t help but dream about this possible baby girl’s first Easter- a year away.  Will she be ours?  Will I get to dress that beauty in a pretty pastel dress and put bows in her hair on this weekend one year from now?  I don’t know.  But I hope so.

The past few weeks have been full of hope.  And it feels good.  I’m not stopping myself from dreaming, but I’m careful not to let it consume my mindless hours.

It’s getting warmer outside, and with each day her due date gets closer.  We’ve had some good contact with our sweet birth mom and everything points to a successful situation…I went shopping this week and bought 3 girl outfits- the most I’ve ever bought.

**Post 4  April 5, 2013

Today is my mom’s birthday…and when I talked with her on the phone I promised I’d give her a granddaughter for her birthday.  I really hope that promise comes true.  I feel such peace in these days leading up to our trip down to Florida, but I can’t help but wonder what if.

We found out this week that a c-section will be scheduled which is great news for us (and birth mom- it’s what she wanted) because that means we can plan a little.  We are driving down and I’m so glad.  It means that I can bring pretty much anything I want…and hopefully make the hotel room comfortable and homey.  Piles have started appearing in places with strong warnings attached- “do not touch- for trip”.  I get a little over zealous…like washing the couch blankets this week and packing them away, even though we use them daily here…sorry, no longer.  It could be 3 weeks or it could be 1.  We find out hopefully on Thursday when her arrival will be.

I find myself dreaming about a baby girl in our family often…and am continuously praying for her mother- that she might feel peace and comfort in this last month.  I cannot even imagine.

Post #5  April 14, 2013

Well…this time goes in peaks and valleys and it’s been a very deep valley this week.  This past Thursday was supposed to be d-day..as in the day we’d hear a date for the csection but no such appointment was made.  Felt so deflated, we have to just keep floating in this unknown…waiting for a call…I’m torn as to how much I should pack up in boxes for our move, before the trip to Florida.  The longer we stay here, the shorter the window will be in May to get our stuff packed up to move. It’s all just a big jumbled mess.  I like to prepare.  I like to know stuff. And yes, I like to control.  My life feels very wildly out of control and full of so many unknowns.  There are moments I grasp onto peace and excitement for the next chapter but lately it’s been many more moments of sadness, despair, anxiety…this adoption won’t go through…we will be driving back from Florida without a precious baby girl.  It’s hard to pray because I want God’s will- and if this baby is supposed to stay with her mother, then who am I to get in the way of that?

But my heart, our hearts, are so invested that now it’s really gonna hurt.  Not that it wouldn’t have last month or even last week, but it just seems that the closer we get, the harder it is to imagine walking away empty handed.

*wow- just reread this before posting and did not even realize the last word of this post was the title of my last post. weird. 


2 responses to “Hope: a look back

  1. I’m so glad you posted these. I’m so glad you kept writing about the struggle and the realness of adoption. I’m so thankful for your heart and the love that God keeps pumping in and through you– love you.

  2. Thank you as well for having the courage and honor to post these intense emotions and amazing journey! You are a woman who has sought God and shown His love to a mom who needs it right now. Thank you for your example of grace and dignity. You are one of a kind, Krista JOY. Praying with lots of hope and confidence in Him.

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