I just went through and deleted ten different partially begun blog posts. This is tragic, mostly because some of them were really good beginnings. But, that’s all they were- and thus I’ve moved on. It’s kinda sad because I want to remember this part of my life and feel like this blog will help me do that…but at the same time, the lack of posts will remind me as well- of days when I couldn’t even complete normal household duties in a timely manner and how most of the time I want to crawl back into my bed for a few more hours, even minutes of precious sleep. I’ll blog again. Maybe someday I’ll get a laptop and spend hours in a bookstore pecking away at keys to bring together some coherently deep thoughts, but for these days- it’ll just be sporadic at best.
Currently in my house at 9pm, I am hearing the voices of 2 out of 3 children from their bedrooms. I’m refusing to bend to their wishes for attention, even though I’m sure as soon as I finish this sentence I will. But no, then I remember why I just deleted so many partially written posts…I’m staying right here…at least for one more paragraph.
Sometimes I don’t know why God gave us three children, so close together. I mean, I love them to pieces and can’t imagine life without them- or when I do, it’s very sad but quiet. People give me looks when I mention the amount and ages of my kiddos but I smile because I know we are blessed. I mean, it’s not like it was an accident that we ended up with these babies. Adoption is definitely not in the same category as an “oops we’re pregnant” but either way, God is in control and we chose to say yes three times in three years. Am I crazy?
On good days I read stacks of books aloud in fun voices and make up adventures about animals and dress my kids in clean clothes and maybe even venture beyond our house walls. But on bad days I linger on my pillow for much longer than I should and drink more coffee than normal while telling my kids to step back from the coffee aka: my lap where the cup rests…smiles come slower and dvds get turned on faster… pajamas stay on for days. I literally sing a made up song entitled “I NEED YOU JESUS”, which also happens to be the only lyrics as well…and I sing those four words over and over, sometimes prettily but most of the time rather angrily and loud. My boys have been known to sing with me, which thankfully always makes me smile, and usually melts my cold cold heart.
Ground hog’s day is a term I’ve begun using at times to describe this season of my life, but when I can see clearly, I know it’s not ever the same day over again. I get to spend my days with three beautiful little humans who are growing and changing daily. It’s so stinkin awesome to have this front row seat. As their mom, I get more hugs than any other person, I get more face time with each one than anyone else on this planet. How did I get so blessed? I LOVE children, and always have. I’ve always dreamed of being a mom. Back when I was teaching, I used to sit at my desk sometimes and think up who my kid would be like, based on the students in my class. I’d assign traits like “jokester”, “adorable”, “quirky”, and “leader” to my imaginary son and it always made me smile.
Its funny how strongly I want my kids to go to bed some evenings, but how often I lay in bed later on with thoughts of grabbing one to cuddle. I pity myself for not being able to have a break these days, yet where else would I want to be at this point in my life? It comes down to trusting in who God is and who He has made me. I’m believing that even in all my weakness, my children will know true love. That is worth it- thinking about them hearing His voice and feeling Him close.
Lately I’ve been wrestling with being completely honest on this blog for fear of being judged. Don’t ask me by who- I don’t even know. But I suppose in the end, I want to stay true to my confessions of motherhood. It’s not easy or gloriously beautiful every moment, but I’m changing and so is my family. When people shake their heads as they see 3 small humans attached to me, I shake mine right along with them. When they say they don’t know how I do it, I say I don’t know either. But I do know.