harder than i thought

regtoday wasn’t a good day.  i did not anticipate having a very hard time leaving regan in his pre-k classroom this morning.  after all, i knew the teacher already and he had done great at orientation yesterday.  but my oh my…he is definitely my baby.  technically i know this isn’t true- it’s not like i forget maya exists- but she is so independent that i do forget she’s not even two yet.  regan on the other hand, holds a force over me that i can’t explain.  and i could only hold the tears back until the parking lot and then game over.  i am even tearing up right now- what the heck?

see- i’m the kind of mom who loves her children fiercely but i’m not afraid to admit i love time away from them too.  i don’t like to work up some sort of fake sadness over my kid going to school…in fact last year with josiah starting pre-k i don’t think i shed one tear.  i knew he would love it and he jumped right in…rarely even looking back to see me go.  it was so exciting for both of us.  i don’t ever think it’s a bad thing to be happy as your child walks into a new adventure… but today wasn’t one of those times for me i guess.

regan going to school…a whole different ball game.  it was like i left part of my heart in that room- and instead of being sure that he’d be fine- i had no idea.  of course, i knew they’d take care of him…but he’s such a feeler and so strong-willed i just wasn’t sure what would happen.  but mostly, i was sad. so so so sad.  i missed him like crazy and he was only gone 4 hours.  walking in to pick him up, i caught his eye from way across the classroom and he screamed my name, burst into tears and practically mowed over everyone between us until he was in my arms.  it was all i could do not to crumble right there.  but. it was public. i was holding maya. and what the heck- i’d already done this once.  i didn’t expect it to feel so different.  i love all my children with all my heart…but i feel like this was a window into the future…reminding me that i continually need to view my children as individuals.

they are each going to walk through life so vastly different.  it was a good lesson for me… a good reminder that i’m never gonna be able to predict their paths (or mine for that matter!) and that is ok.

but for now i’m just gonna keep crying.  i’m not crazy.  and i’m no super mom.  but just figured i should be real.  oh, and he had two accidents and a few sad i-want-mommy moments but otherwise declared that he loved school and his teacher.  we’ll see what happens next week.

pray for him but mostly for me.



3 responses to “harder than i thought

  1. you’re a great mom and a great Shepard of these kiddos hearts. I love and am proud of you! They are blessed to be able to call you their mommy.

  2. All the feels dude. Am totally tearing up… I can just see that mad tear across the room! You guys will figure this out… LOVE you!

  3. Awwwww, that is sad… Proud of both of you! A good encouragement to me to be aware of my boys’ differences in coping with change.

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