Category Archives: Adoption

a march i would attend.

I have been silent about politics for the most part throughout this last year, but in the last few weeks as the biggest issue in my heart as been highlighted- I thought- I would humbly throw caution to the wind and share a few words.

Last week I watched as so many women gathered together to march for some amazing things…but it was all tainted by the sad news that pro-lifers were not welcome.  For me, that ruined the entire gathering in my heart…as I’ve heard so many declaring inclusion and love and equal rights- yet simultaneously alienating a group who is literally fighting for LIFE.

I have been praying for the ending of abortion since my teenage years but seven years ago, when we were matched with our oldest son’s birth mom and I read her adoption application I was hit with the truest reality…she had considered abortion.  When I look at my beautiful sweet son Josiah, tears immediately form every time I realize how easily he could have never been given a chance to live his full life.  Even as I write this, my gut feels sick as I think about all the children we’ve lost in this country.

Before we adopted, I remember flippantly talking about the alternative of abortion…as if ‘just put your baby up for adoption’ was as easy as giving away unwanted clothing.  But I was so so so wrong.  I still have no idea the depths of how gut wrenching it was/is for our children’s birth moms, but I got to watch the heart breaking process up close and it is truly awful and beautiful at the same time.  My belief is that it takes the strongest of women to choose life for their baby and give them up- birth moms are my heroes.  They are the women who found themselves in an impossible situation but chose to put their unborn child first- the ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate choice.

In no way do I desire my words to shame women who have chosen abortion, because I am not your judge and I have no idea what you’ve been through.  But, as I sit here in my kitchen and listen to the sounds of my three crazy wonderful children playing together, I can’t help but wonder how different my family would be had their mothers made a different choice.  I have never been more grateful to anyone than my children’s first mothers.

So that’s why I’d march today- at the March for Life, every day, if I could.  We have a long way to go before our country’s potential is realized…but this is a place where change can happen so tangibly.  Supporting life could be such a simple ideal- you’re alive right now because a woman brought you into this world…each life is a gift.  Find a single mom who chose to raise her kids and help her!!  Give to a family who is preparing for adoption!!  Help a family who is fostering children in their home!!  Support agencies who support pregnant mothers!!

I could go on and on because there’s never enough words to convey my heart on this issue, but instead I will leave you with three pictures.

this is what pro-life looks like to me.

Josiah.  Regan.  Maya.

josregsmaya

not done yet.

There are some nights where i’m literally stopped in my tracks…headed to bed usually, when I get the urge to write.  Sometimes I say no, but some special moments I choose to forgo sleep and sit down in front of my computer.  I rarely waste a moment before opening the site I blog on…and never have to spend a second wondering what to write about.

It just comes.

I have an overwhelming feeling of excitement for our next kiddo.  This is a bit odd considering we just moved across the country and just this morning I got our second son’s school squared away.  I am on the eve of sending both boys back to school and it’s been almost a month and a half since I last dropped them both off to a classroom.  To say I’m relieved is an understatement…for all of us I believe.  The boys love school and I love that they get to go.  But it hit me tonight- what everyone always told me- the little years are special and they are few.

I get to be a mom.  I want to be the best one I can be.  I want to do this job better than I will ever do any job in the whole world…always growing, learning, adapting, stretching.  This move has created space in my mind to realize that I don’t have to do the same routines that I’ve always done.  I can make up new ways to get the same ol’ stuff done…and maybe I will even come to love homework time?!  I’m looking at miracles people.

But what really hit me tonight is that we’re not done.  We’ve known that all along, but as each passing year goes by sometimes I wonder about the when.  Yet I feel so confident that God will share that detail as I just keep following His beauty, His ways, His delight.  And I feel a joy rising in me for the next Farrell…however, whenever.  It’s gonna be good.

And no, in case you’re wondering- we have nothing brewing, no secret adoption match- we haven’t even done a california home study, so seriously- this is simply about my heart.  My goal this year was (is) simply to say yes and I’ve loved how it’s opened my mind up to endless possibilities already.

Yes incubates hope.

We need hope…in every single area of our lives. It breathes life into this journey we have the privilege to live.  I am so grateful that this year, 2017, I get to see everything in a whole new light simply because we said yes to a seemingly crazy idea that landed us on the opposite coast of our country…and right into everything Jesus has planned next.

It’s a beautiful life and I can’t wait to see what’s next.

 

speechless

As I sit in the dark by the light of one lone candle flame, I am overwhelmed.  God’s vehicle into my heart tonight was a book that I bought many months ago, written by a dear woman I got to know briefly in Kansas City.  I knew bits and pieces of her journey and thus had deemed the book one-i-will-read-when-i-am-ready…and tonight for some reason, I heard a whisper.  He said read it now.

Two hours passed and a steady stream of beautiful tears came along…it was as if God himself was sitting with me, urging me to keep going, to remember and believe who He truly is and how much He loves abundantly.  I’m not sure why I’m writing at the moment, because He has left me speechless.

I feel so loved.  

It’s powerful to read another’s testimony of how they’ve walked through valleys and mountains with Jesus…it led me straight to His feet…in awe of who He is and how He loves.

I want to live my life with this feeling.  The feeling of being loved no matter what, by the God of the universe…my heavenly Father, my faithful friend, my constant cheerleader.  This is the gift He promised- His everlasting Love.  I know feelings can be fleeting at times, but some feelings are meant to root into our soul and plant.  I could not follow Jesus with my whole heart without feeling Him, and I don’t think He wants me to blindly follow either.  He cares about my frame, about my will, my emotions, my dreams, my quirks, my fears…He knows it all and STILL HE LOVES ME LIKE THIS.

He knows my name.

He is writing my story and cares about each day that I wake up to.  What a gift to behold… His love.  Thank you Sara for sharing His beauty so tangibly, and thank you Jesus, for everything.

 

*Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet by Sara Hagerty*

hotel living

So I stole my husband’s laptop since he’s surfing…and I thought I’d post a little update since the past few posts were written a long time ago.  To keep it real, I can hear one son’s favorite movie blaring from the portable dvd player…the other son is watching cartoons and the Food Network Thanksgiving special is on in front of me.  Just finished feeding baby Maya…the hotel room is a mess- literally I’ve been trying to keep up with the straightening but today, I gave up.

We thought we’d be going home yesterday…of course, it wasn’t for sure since there is no guarentee and we will literally get a call and hear that we’re cleared which means we can go home!!!  It’s been two long weeks.  It’s funny how much I thought about this adoption and how this endless hotel stay was erased from my memory of the other times.  Of course, it’s a bit different with two toddlers added to the mix.  Maya is such an easy baby…we both believe that without the boys this would be a seriously relaxing vacation.  Newborns are so easy. Ha!  Never thought I’d say that…but after a few, you actually start to believe it. 

And it’s still the euphoric omygosh she’s ours adrenaline that makes the middle of the night feedings not as bad as they might possibly be in a few months.  We keep reminding ourselves that this is SO worth it.  We have a baby girl!!!!!  But we are all very ready to go home.  Even Josiah has started asking about home- especially when he’s sad he’ll mention home…breaks my heart.  I cried with him the other night over home because I felt the same way. 

For the past three days we’ve spent time at the beach which I’m thankful for.  The boys get to run around and I get to stare at the ocean while holding my baby.  It’s beautiful.  And I’ve shopped…and shopped.  Maya is so tiny that I needed to get some newborn clothes- something I’ve never really needed long enough to justify with the boys.  Plus I can’t deny that looking at the girl sections of stores is much more exciting and takes my mind off the hotel room I have to return to. 

I cannot wait for my king sized bed.  This hotel has full sized beds…thankful for the two seperate bedrooms though.  I miss my keurig but Starbucks trips have been sweet.  I really really hope to be home for Thanksgiving and then it’s Christmas decorating…like asap!!!  Twinkly lights and the fresh pine smell…cozy and beautiful and we have a tiny baby girl to cuddle up with.

The only thing I’ll miss from Florida is Kilwins.  It’s the most amazing chocolate shop in the world…and has incredible caramel apples too.  This weekend will definitely need one more trip there to pick up some deliciousness. 

Ok… this was a weird stream of thoughts…and i’m not going to reread it either.  Pray we get the call on Monday!!!  We are ready to go home!!!!

saying yes

As time ticks away and November gets closer…my emotions go up and down, up and down…as tho someone is stringing me along like a yo-yo.

I have started to think about the nursery but truth be told, I don’t want to change around the guest room until I know it’s absolutely necessary.  Part of me is holding back in case this doesn’t happen, but then even if it does; she won’t sleep in her crib for a while…so she doesn’t need her own room until then.

I want to buy a few baby girl clothes but I did that the last time, and now I have a few too many summer outfits for a winter baby…not wanting to make the same mistake and purchase winter clothing if she doesn’t come home to us.  Then again, I don’t think there are mistakes in this whole story.

Adoption is a tricky road.  Few walk its path, but many know what it’s like to welcome a baby into their home.  I am trusting and hoping and praying…let this baby girl be a Farrell.  My heart feels like it’s walking the plank at times- teetering on the edge- waiting to fall into stormy sad seas or beautiful blissful tropical waters…this journey can end in such different ways.

I know the joy and now I’ve known the pain.  I am saying yes.  We are saying yes.  Jesus gets to take care of the rest.  And for that, I am truly thankful.

adoption woes

I am up in my head tonite…not wanting to sleep…or rather not able to sleep.  When I stay up late I usually end up thinking about the future, unless I’m focused on a task.  So here I am.  Deep in my wrestle with this thing called adoption.

Bart asked me the other day if I’d ever want to get pregnant.  Without hesitation I answered no.  Not because I don’t love the miracle that is pregnancy and birth but because it’s not what I know…and while I’ve always wanted to be a mother, I never really cared about the pregnancy part.  I know that many women don’t believe me and I’m okay with that.  It’s hard to feel what someone else’s journey is like when its not the norm…not what most know.

Yet even as I am sitting here tonite, unsure of whether this match will actually happen…I choose adoption.  This pain is worth all the heartache, all the unknowns, all the mystery.  It’s worth going down such a quiet road that most around us don’t understand and never will…because we have the most important One who does get it and more importantly He told us to do it this way.

There is a tension in my heart.  Nerves that flair up out of fear…fear of losing this dream…of having to wait for another baby…of having absolutely no control over this journey we are on to become a family.  We say “baby sister” with the boys so quietly, it’s almost as though we are praying with each breath, with each time we say those words.  I want to speak faith…to speak life into our family but it’s scary.

Sometimes I am strong, only because He is in me.  Jesus gives me strength to believe that the pain I have felt on this adoption journey is worth the joy.  But mostly He shows me that He is enough…that no amount of babies will fulfill my longing to be loved, like He can.  And that He is using all of this to mold me.  I would like to think there are easier ways to lead me to surrender, but as this journey unfolds, I know His ways are perfect.

You know, sometimes I wish people would act the same as if I was pregnant…the whole constant chatter and questions, making it into every conversation because it’s so obvious- a baby is coming.  But most times, I’m glad it’s not as obvious for us.  Because it’s not a done deal when the baby arrives.  I wonder what it would feel like to know that when your baby is born- it’s yours, for sure, no take-backs.  I wonder what it would be like to see your child for the first time and have no hesitations…no fear…no tears except ones of joy.

See- this is what happens when I get into my head.  What ifs are never really productive.  But it does bring me back to reality in the end.  I peeked into Josiah’s room tonite and stared at his peaceful sleeping body and then curled up beside him because I can.  I’m his mommy.  Someone chose me to be this little boy’s mama…and that gets me every time.  I cannot believe the gift I’ve been given sometimes, and twice by the same dear woman.

I love being a mom.  It comes down to love.  We each make such incredible sacrifices to get where we want to end up.

try again

We are matched again!!!

It feels oddly familiar yet foreign as we gear up to welcome another baby into our home.  The reality of having gone thru our worst fear in adoption is oddly comforting this time around.  We made it out on the other side and we are okay.  It is a testament to the healing touch of God that we are saying yes to another match three months after having our hearts torn apart…and I am so grateful to the Comforter.

It’s a girl!!!  And I am so happy that it’s a girl, but honestly I think I would have been just as psyched about a boy after what we went through.  Thinking about holding a newborn again…cuddling and feeding and all the staring…I cannot wait!!!  And this time it will be a winter baby- never had one of those.  I can’t wait to bundle her up in all sorts of fuzzy layers.

What has been interesting this time around is people’s reactions to our news.  Every time before it was pure excitement…but this time, there is a guardedness that I expected but yet it still makes me sad.  I mean, I guard my heart so much in this time- but I didn’t prepare myself for others to do the same.  I understand it, of course, but that doesn’t mean I like it.  It makes sense for people to also feel us out, as we share our news…and honestly, some days I’m thrilled while other days I am nervous and want to ignore it all.

So, with all that being said…we are soooo grateful for another chance at this wild ride!!  We are super happy to be staring at the upcoming arrival of a precious baby girl this winter.  Thank you so much for your prayers!!!