lilacs, hydrangeas, and succulents oh my

I know…it’s been awhile.  But, we just got our internet working yesterday and my parents were here for a week and oh, we moved.  However, at the moment I am sitting at my new desk- a built in kitchen one with a huge window in front of it and I am in love.  I can see a beautiful backyard full of green-ness…and while it isn’t the ocean, it feels like home.

It’s funny, you don’t realize what you were missing sometimes, until you get it back.  I loved living in the furnished beach rental this winter…but now that I am in a rental with all my own stuff- it just feels good.  Things are slowly getting organized- I always try to do the necessary unpacking first- kitchen, clothing, toiletries…and then get down to the fun stuff like picture frames and decor.  I am kinda obsessed with plant life at the moment- and fear that in a few months all my little plants I’ve acquired will be dead.  But it’ll be a fun fresh-looking run while it lasts.  I even ordered succulents online.

My closet is a dream.  It’s seriously like its own room.  I’m a clothes dropper too so it makes my husband happy that I can drop all I want in there.  But right now I’m hanging clothing I’ve never hung before…because otherwise the closet makes me look like I own 12 things- which in some ways is pretty darn accurate.  I wear the same stuff all the time.  I digress.

There are lilacs growing off the porch…a hydrangea bush in the front…beautiful nice wood floors that don’t give us splinters like the last ones.  The fridge is one of those huge ones with the freezer on the bottom and for the first time ever I filled a China Cabinet- pretty sure that didn’t need capitalization but it felt right.  The laundry is once again on the main floor- HOORAY- and the hot water in the shower doesn’t run out after 2.5 minutes.  Seriously.  I’m in love.

The move went fine.  I kept telling my parents over and over that I didn’t know how we would have done it without them…and I wasn’t kidding.  Our move 7 months ago was hard emotionally but heck, it spoiled me for the real world where companies don’t pay relocation costs.  Alas.  I kinda wish I’d never known.  But thankfully everything went smoothly, albeit there was plenty of advil circling around and my big toe is seriously purple and my parents left  I like them.  And it would have been nice to have a few more days to really enjoy them instead of boss them around constantly.  They are such good servants- the kind that think of things they can do before even I do…the kind that don’t complain when you make them clean out your fridge and toilets and take apart cribs only to put them back together 2 hours later in a new place.  They are the best, truly.

Anyway- I’m alive.  Yellowbrick road is grand.  Come visit.

from the ocean to the yellowbrick road

We have a house to live in!  Praise JESUS.

On Thursday we went to meet the landlord- we thought this was just to meet the landlord but we walked in and immediately started signing papers.  I could visibly see both Bart and I relax and appear to float (jk) but seriously the weight of not having a place to move…PHEW.  And PRAISE JESUS.

There is a lot of good happening this week.  We will hopefully get the keys to our house on Yellowbrick road but are just planning on moving stuff- not ourselves, until next week.  My parents come Thursday- WOOOOHOOOO!!!  I am VERY much looking forward to seeing them and just being a daughter…it was cute- last night Bart was like- I’m glad they are coming because then you stop stressing.  It’s true.  Once they are here; I can relax.

Josiah’s birthday party is on Saturday!  He actually doesn’t turn 3 until next month, but we are taking advantage of Grandpa and Grandma’s presence and throwing a party in our house full of boxes.  Good times.  And it’s Mothers Day- which I am guessing will not be like my past 2…where I spent the majority of the time alone, shopping, reading a book, doing whatever I wanted…but I know it’ll be a fabulous day and my mom will actually be here- which will be super nice!

So- back to the house.  It’s farther from the beach then either of us wanted- but when crunch time came we realized it was more important that we find a good space with enough rooms, etc..so it’s a 10 minute drive or less to the beach- the most important.  HOWEVER a huge discovery was made this weekend…it is also a 10 minute drive to a STARBUCKS DRIVETHRU!!!!!!  People: there are only TWO drive thru’s in the state of New Jersey (i think).  We found it on Saturday and Bart was dying over my reaction- I think I literally said “Omygosh” about a million times.  Not everyone understands…but sometimes a Starbucks coffee literally gets me through a rough morning or a long day…and for 7 long months, I have had to live without it.  I’m no super mom wanting to schlep my two toddlers into a crowded Starbucks store in my pjs on any given morning…but I have wanted to go through a drive thru about a hundred different mornings.  So- all that to say, Jesus LOVES me so much- I honestly believe He was watching me on Saturday with delight and smiling as I stared in awe at the drive thru.  Yes.  Ridiculous. But so good.

Anyway- so this house has good space, a huge backyard and TWO walk in closets in the master bedroom…which is very important for our marriage.  We can handle life without (we have for 7 months) but it’s a welcome change to spread out.  There are some interesting paint choices throughout the house…perhaps I’ll share some pictures one day- but I am just thrilled to unpack…I don’t even remember what I own, it’s been so long since I’ve seen it.  I have plans swirling in my head for a “play room” space…there’s a huge built-in atrosity in the living room that needs a lot of decorating…oh! there’s a piano which I’m psyched about…and organizing- I can’t wait to use my label maker.

Ok, I am getting ahead of myself,  because I still have some things to pack up and we have to return this winter rental into its formal glory (read: ugly tacky decor everywhere).  When we moved in, I took over a 100 pictures to remember where everything goes.  I now need to go back and study up…here goes nothin.

 

mothers day gifts

It’s time for a distraction.  I am ready to share my Mother’s Day gift ideas…I like days that are designed for more specialness- and it has been recently confirmed that gifts are seriously still my love language.  Through this grieving process- the gifts have meant the most…which is so weird, because you’d think the time spent and acts of service would be huge in this time.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for everything people have done to love on us- my second love language- words of affirmation has been filled to the brim thanks to so many texts/emails from afar.  All that to say, it feels so good to be loved.

Rifle Paper Co tin Recipe box

Jcrew sun hat

pretty unique flowers

Nordstrom flip flops

Urban outfitters Rag rug

Crunch bags

Vintage lights

I realize this list is rather random.  I mean, I’m not sure how many moms would appreciate a rag rug or a string of vintage lights…so perhaps it’s not a universal list.  But it made me smile as I created it, so for that I am thankful.

huh.

I have been wrestling about what to post next…while it’s easy for me to go from laughing to crying in real life- on this blog, it seems trite to post a Mother’s Day wish list or funny things my boys are doing right now.

It’s only been one week.  Most people are moving on.  And I suppose that’s what normally happens- especially with something as vague as this that most people can’t empathize with.  I even catch myself acting normal a lot which is fine…but then something zings and instant tears.  I find myself running from the place of quiet thoughtfulness yet at the same time I am craving it.  I know I need to feel the pain more, to get over this a little.  I know if I don’t deal with some of this stuff in my heart it will come out the next time around- and I’d rather not pile it all on the future fragile Krista.

I am so tired all the time.  I was dreading yesterday morning- exactly a week later- and oddly enough I woke up sick…not the easy kind of sick either.  It was awful but at the same time, a needed distraction from the sadness that day represented.  I literally slept half the day away, thanks to my husband’s kindness in taking over the boys.

Today I woke up slowly- testing out my body to see if it would cooperate with what the day held.  I’m weak and still nauseated but so much better.  We went to see a house today and actually liked it.  We’ve seen several rentals and not liked any…which has started to become nerve-wracking since we move in 16 days.  The address is Yellowbrick road…how fitting for a family fresh out of Kansas City, right?  Well, we’ll see- hopefully by the end of the week we’ll know.

So that’s all I’ve got right now.

 

Hope: a look back

Below is a series of posts I began in February, amidst the waiting for our baby girl.  This period of time is one of the hardest to process for me- especially this time around.  **We just arrived home, without her, today and I remembered this post I’d been working on for the past few months…I almost deleted it but I think I want to remember.

** Post #1  Feb 15, 2013

Even though I know I can’t publish this post right now, I feel the need to share my feelings.  It’s not that what I’m feeling is bad or wrong, but I do want to somewhat hide my feelings from the sweet birth mom before all of this is final.  And not because of anything she’s done, but just because in no way do I want to jeopardize our match or make her feel any pressure from us.  At this point, she is in complete control, as she should be- she’s her mom.

Some mornings I wake up without even remembering our baby girl will arrive in less than two months.  Other times I sit with a pit in my stomach- anxiousness overcomes me as I think about failed adoptions and pray unceasingly that ours won’t be one.  Many times I feel peace that God is in control but other times I throw my fists in the air- a proverbial tantrum- that I cannot simply buy girl clothes and pink blankets right now…because of a subtle fear that she won’t come home with us and I will have wasted money and/or have to return everything.

We rarely utter her given name…instead using non-descript terms like baby or baby girl.  We pray for her protection and for her birth mom to feel peace and love often.  We interject the word sister when talking with our boys randomly…and when we are around a little baby we tell them they are getting one of these soon.  I draw pictures for her room…dream up delicate vintageness in my head without doing anything in the natural.

It’s hard.  I hesitate though, when I say those words because I can’t help but think about her birth mom…the one who is so sacrificially carrying a precious life into this world, only to hand her over to us.  How in the world does one carry enough strength to do this?  The gift of life- it’s so beyond describing, so other than.

Today, in faith, I ordered a pink blanket.  Today I started the list of what to bring to Florida when the baby is born.  Today is a day of hope and hope is a beautiful thing.

**Post 2  February 22, 2013

My sister inadvertently spurred this inner journal of mine to find it’s way to the page…stating that she didn’t think many people understand the complexities of domestic adoption.  It’s funny bc just this week I was out to coffee with some new friends who all seemed curious about adoption- one not even realizing it was possible to adopt a newborn.  And it hit me; adoption isn’t the norm.  And unless you know someone who has adopted or been adopted…circles don’t often overlap and people go their whole lives without knowing the intricacies of this amazing process.

Of course, not everyone needs to know about adoption and as I’ve said before- I’m no spokesperson.  But inevitably people have questions and thankfully they are usually bold enough to ask thus realizing that I’m an open book.  I love when eyes widen and understanding shows up in their face- it’s fun.  And I have to remind myself that I was there in the not-so-distant past.

So, the blanket came.  The pink one I ordered last week.  I excitedly ripped open the package and stared at the bright pink stripes for a few minutes before setting it down.  Then this morning I carefully unwrapped the ribbon and cut the tags- wondering if perhaps I should sit with it on my lap for a few moments.  While just a blanket, it represents so much more.  Longing, desire, excitement, joy…potential pain and hurt and despair…it’s amazing the gamut of raw emotions this adoption deal brings.

The thing that gets me sometimes is that in domestic adoption, more often than not, the birth mom chooses who she will give her baby to.  Most people don’t realize that.  You have to be chosen.  I’m thankful that this part has never bothered me but it might have something to do with how quickly and simply our matches have happened.  On the other hand I cannot imagine the pressure of choosing a family to raise my child…what a monumental decision.  My biggest prayer for each birth mom during these times has been peace.  Amidst all the other emotions she will feel, we pray that peace will reign in her heart.

**Post 3   March 21, 2013

Well, a lot has happened in the last month…but I’ll back up to just two weeks ago. I had been feeling such a cloud of darkness over us- just filled with doubt and anxiety, fears of a failed adoption…on and on.  It was so strong that I could barely think about our baby girl without wanting to close my eyes and run under a blanket.  Yuck.  So, while on a date with Bart, I decided to bring it up.  We’d been praying at the beach anyway so I thought it was a perfect time to share what I had been feeling.  We spent awhile in prayer over our thoughts and fears and by the time we drove away, I felt lighter.  Miracles.  I suddenly felt excited for our baby girl instead of straight nervousness.

Five days later we boarded a plane to Florida with our boys and the next day we met the baby’s birth mom for the first time.  She had wanted to meet us before she went into labor, so we had arranged this time for that purpose.  It was a lot of work to fly ourselves down there for a couple days but it was so worth it.  We met up at our lawyer’s office, who had a catered lunch for us all; and despite some awkward moments; overall it was awesome.  After it was over, I felt yet another burden lifted.  I physically felt lighter, again.

So now this week…I’ve started preparing for reals.  I washed the newborn baby clothing and dug out the infant car seat…found the million burp clothes and ordered stuff online.  It feels so good.  Only 5 weeks to go- or even less if she has a c-section.  I’m psyched.  I’m thrilled.  I’m staring at little babies longingly.  My heart is open.

**Post 3  March 29, 2013

As I plan what the boys are wearing for Easter, I can’t help but dream about this possible baby girl’s first Easter- a year away.  Will she be ours?  Will I get to dress that beauty in a pretty pastel dress and put bows in her hair on this weekend one year from now?  I don’t know.  But I hope so.

The past few weeks have been full of hope.  And it feels good.  I’m not stopping myself from dreaming, but I’m careful not to let it consume my mindless hours.

It’s getting warmer outside, and with each day her due date gets closer.  We’ve had some good contact with our sweet birth mom and everything points to a successful situation…I went shopping this week and bought 3 girl outfits- the most I’ve ever bought.

**Post 4  April 5, 2013

Today is my mom’s birthday…and when I talked with her on the phone I promised I’d give her a granddaughter for her birthday.  I really hope that promise comes true.  I feel such peace in these days leading up to our trip down to Florida, but I can’t help but wonder what if.

We found out this week that a c-section will be scheduled which is great news for us (and birth mom- it’s what she wanted) because that means we can plan a little.  We are driving down and I’m so glad.  It means that I can bring pretty much anything I want…and hopefully make the hotel room comfortable and homey.  Piles have started appearing in places with strong warnings attached- “do not touch- for trip”.  I get a little over zealous…like washing the couch blankets this week and packing them away, even though we use them daily here…sorry, no longer.  It could be 3 weeks or it could be 1.  We find out hopefully on Thursday when her arrival will be.

I find myself dreaming about a baby girl in our family often…and am continuously praying for her mother- that she might feel peace and comfort in this last month.  I cannot even imagine.

Post #5  April 14, 2013

Well…this time goes in peaks and valleys and it’s been a very deep valley this week.  This past Thursday was supposed to be d-day..as in the day we’d hear a date for the csection but no such appointment was made.  Felt so deflated, we have to just keep floating in this unknown…waiting for a call…I’m torn as to how much I should pack up in boxes for our move, before the trip to Florida.  The longer we stay here, the shorter the window will be in May to get our stuff packed up to move. It’s all just a big jumbled mess.  I like to prepare.  I like to know stuff. And yes, I like to control.  My life feels very wildly out of control and full of so many unknowns.  There are moments I grasp onto peace and excitement for the next chapter but lately it’s been many more moments of sadness, despair, anxiety…this adoption won’t go through…we will be driving back from Florida without a precious baby girl.  It’s hard to pray because I want God’s will- and if this baby is supposed to stay with her mother, then who am I to get in the way of that?

But my heart, our hearts, are so invested that now it’s really gonna hurt.  Not that it wouldn’t have last month or even last week, but it just seems that the closer we get, the harder it is to imagine walking away empty handed.

*wow- just reread this before posting and did not even realize the last word of this post was the title of my last post. weird. 

empty handed

I woke up this morning in a hotel room in Florida after a full night’s sleep…something I wasn’t planning on doing for many months.  Yesterday was the day we would have been given a sweet beautiful baby girl, except it didn’t happen.  The details aren’t important except to say that this precious birth mom needed to make the decision that only she could make- and ultimately, the one she could live with.

There’s no anger, there’s not even the “Why God” question…just plain and simple sadness.  Mourning the loss of a dream, a hope, a precious baby girl.  We had close friends go through this several months ago and I remember putting myself in their place in my head many times- but I never reached this level of sadness and pain.  It hurts.  Though in so many ways, it’s like losing something we never had, which is a difficult thing to explain and an even more narrow road to walk.

We don’t have anyone to blame- no one did anything wrong.  This precious baby girl has a mother who adores her and will be an amazing mom, just as she is with her son.  The social worker and lawyer tried their best…we did everything we needed to do…this is just the big risk involved in adoption.  We knew it from the beginning- it’s why from the very match, fear and anxiety rises up inside…and exponentially grows after the baby is born and before the mom can sign her rights away.  It’s not in our hands.

Yesterday after we found out we wouldn’t be bringing home a baby girl we cried and cried and cried.  Comfort was found in my husband’s arms…then prayers- allowing Jesus to soothe me- and then in hugging my sweet precious boys.  I have never been more grateful for their lives and to their birth mom, who coincidentally we met up with yesterday- on the same day we left the hospital empty handed.  We all sat around the hotel room, laughing and watching the kids (she brought her daughter) play and dance.  I wanted to hug this amazing woman and not let go…but I remained calm with a smile on my face…and it wasn’t a fake one- because I could see the joy in her heart as she watched her sons, our sons and I felt joy in my own heart for being so blessed.  There couldn’t have been a more perfect ending to the saddest day we’ve faced together as a family.

Yet amidst the sadness, we both felt a burden literally lifted off of our shoulders.  We’ve felt it for several months and tried to fight it off…but yesterday it disappeared.  It was all the fear of the unknown…yes, we were not given the baby- but at least we knew.  Telling family and close friends was hard…it felt like crushing other people’s joy.  All along we’ve felt so supported- literally feeling people praying for us and I’m so grateful, we’re so grateful.

I woke up for the first time this morning and when it finally hit me where I was (still in a Florida hotel room) sadness washed over me…that wave of grief that felt so heavy I just wanted to go back to sleep for a very long time.  I grabbed my phone and scrolled through messages and then instagram- and the first picture that popped up was a picture of a quote by Bob Marley (which is kinda funny in a “it’s a long story” kind of way).

“FORGET HOW MUCH IT HURTS AND TRY AGAIN.”

Yesterday in my sadness, I actually did think maybe we won’t have any more children…what if this hurts too much to get over?  But almost as quickly I knew that was the enemy lying to me- the one who is against children and adoption and families.  And I knew in that instant that of course we’d try again.  And if I could forget how much it hurts, that would be wonderful.  I don’t think that’s how it works and I’m not expecting to forget this pain any time soon…but all I can say is that it’s worth it.  This monumental risk is worth it all- just one glance at my beautiful boys is all it takes to remind me.

We are heading home today.  Thank you for your prayers and support.

God is good, so good.

Contrasting Emotions

I’ve been a tad absent from this blog because…well, I feel like I’m in limbo…and it doesn’t feel very good.  My home is slowly becoming a sea of boxes even though we don’t have a place to move in less than a month and my heart is a mess of anxiety, excitement, fear and joy- incredible how such contrasting emotions can live in the same place.

Surprisingly none of those feelings are linked to our housing status but rather this waiting period before we head to Florida.  I can’t even describe the feelings that wash over me at any given moment…except to say that one second I’m so psyched and thrilled about a baby girl joining our family and in the next breath I’m so nervous and fearful that it won’t happen.

The over-arching truth of it all is that God is good.  And He knows.  He will jump for joy with us if we bring this sweet baby girl home and He’ll cry with us if we don’t.  This baby’s precious birth mom is so important to us that we want to love and support her no matter what… it’s a crazy journey people, this adoption stuff… I’ll just leave it at that.

Needless to say I’ve been trying to fill my days with mindless tasks of packing and planning…soaking in every last moment with these sweet boys of mine because I know if we bring home a baby, life will be so different.  They are becoming such good friends- it’s a joy to watch their relationship deepen.  And to be honest, half the time I’m watching them play from the couch as I sit with my coffee, too tired to move.

I am a woman who likes to know what’s next.  I like control- way too much- so I know this time is good for me.  The Lord has been kind to show me that He is developing character through this…but in the midst of it all, I’m not as thankful as I could be.  But I am clinging to hope and sometimes in the dark moments when I lose my grip, He shows me the way back.  He is so kind.

I love Him.